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October 2. 01. 6 - www. Welcome to melancholic orgasm. I feel like the world is so engaged with the US Election that maybe we should all get a vote. Sure, campaigning in 1.
I don't even know where to begin with my life's activities of the past week. Shit has been nonstop. Well the weekend was; the week not as much. The most interesting thing that's happened in the last couple was this morning.
Have often said the place I'll probably die is on a particular stretch I walk along in peak hour. Was plodding through there today when I heard a very loud screech of tyres which instinctively made me jump. Surely this was my time but nope.. I'd have been able to run to a cafe, grab a coffee and return before it hit me. My earphones and Taylor Swift messed with the sound making me think it was coming from behind and I didn't in fact die at all. If you saw a fit, handsome fat fuck randomly jump for no reason on your way to work this morning.. Moving on.. Saturday began like all good days do and should - motherfucking eggs; scrambled if you must know.
Obviously like every Saturday from now back to the dawn of time it was rained out. Unbelievable. Pottered around most of the morning doing whatever including helping the GF work on a wedding cake and cupcakes for a friend's wedding later on. Then about an hour before the ceremony came a knock at the door. T'was the groom and co asking to get ready at our place.
Of course come on in! Good on them but I COULD NOT roll this way. Anyway we sorted that and rushed off to deliver the cakes then came back to the bombsite house to get showered and ready. We also had driving duties for the bridal party which, for a bunch of reasons I shan't go in to, lead to me finding out halfway through the ceremony a few people would be coming back to our place before the reception. A baking powder? There was cake decorating stuff, toys, clothes and just shit everywhere. So I raced back home the moment the ceremony was over and employed a cleaning technique called . Also had to squeeze in a trip to the shops to grab nibbles and return to transport everyone back in not that much time.
It was a mission and managed to pull it off with no one any the wiser.. Next up was the reception. Drove the crew there, ran around most of the night with my camera and had a nice time despite knowing pretty much no one there. We made it home exhausted at half 9 and collapsed in bed. For a wedding I expected to just roll up to and sit quietly, it was an exceptional amount of effort. This does not encourage me to get married..
Sunday was supposed to be breakfast with mates but didn't happen. This freed up my morning as GF and kid took off to do whatever wherever. Then mowed the lawn.
Hosed down outside area. Cleaned windows. Sorted all the recycling. Sprayed weeds. Pulled weeds. Snail pelleted everywhere. Finally found all the Jenga blocks. Download Movie Darkness Rising (2017) Dvd there.
Did 4 loads of laundry. Plus a whole bunch of other stuff including sunburning the top of my head. Been forever since that's happened!
By this point I was wrecked. Hadn't got around to eating at all and Saturday's activities were catching up with me.. Thank you Red Bull. A mate collected me around 2. Fremantle for a going away party.
If I'm being honest, ignoring that the buzz hit me on just the second pint was a terrible idea. Furthermore, carelessly moving on to wine and inhaling it just as quickly was even more stupiderer. Skip forward to mid- evening we were well beyond messy.
The ride home even included a few unscheduled and urgent stops so my drinking buddy could purge. One such stop resulted in a severe ankle injury. Totally worth it though. As was the shocking hangover. Isn't often I get to pump out a boozy Sunday session and if that means one of my mates has to suffer pain and the inconvenience of being on crutches for a few months, so be it..
Alllllrighty then. Let's get going with the update. Goes without saying I worked my b- hole off on this one and whilst you may not care..
This update rocks. That is all. Check it.. IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME MAGICAL PLACE YOU COULD FIND EVERY ORSM UPDATE EVER.. OH WAIT THERE IS. FIND THEM HERE! Terrifying. Frightening Moment Great White Shark Got Inside Cage With A Person Inside- The Gamble.
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In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: .
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: .
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.- -Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks . Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARETHIS IS NOTHING BUT TOILET HUMOURWhat I love about this exhaustive list of shits you can take is that we as a society felt the need to make one. So here it is.. THE GHOST SHIT: You know you've shit.
There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl. THE TEFLON COATED SHIT: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it! THE PERFECT DUMP: Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart- less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash- less grace of an Olympic high- diving champion.
It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it. THE GOOEY SHIT: This has the consistency of hot tar.
You wipe your ass 1. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. THE BEER SHIT: Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 2. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days.
Naked flames are ill advised.. THE SECOND THOUGHT SHIT: You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realise it.. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. THE EMPTY ROLL: Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask ?
Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every Empty Roll Dumper must face.. Failing that you could always use your shirt- tail or one of your socks! THE BALI BELLY SHIT: You shit so much you lose 5 kilos. An Indonesian delicacy. THE RIGHT NOW SHIT: You better be within 1.
Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.