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Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in. Ever notice how Christopher Nolan’s movies (Interstellar, Inception, The Prestige) feel like an anxiety attack? Well, maybe that’s overstating things a bit. Watch breaking news videos, viral videos and original video clips on CNN.com.
Why Your Team Sucks 2. Carolina Panthers. Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers.
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This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Carolina Panthers. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 6- 1.
Hey, who would have guessed a team coached by Ron Rivera and dependent on its QB for 9. IMMEDIATELY regress back to the mean after a fluke 1. I could’ve made more money betting on that than betting on Mayweather.
As you may recall, the Panthers’ Week 1 rematch with Denver was somehow a more brutal loss than Super Bowl 5. Cam Newton headshots that plays like a police misconduct showreel. Cam doesn’t even remember that first game. And remember when he got speared in the head against Washington and they ended up penalizing HIM on the play? That was fun. As a matter of fact, the 2.
Panthers are probably our greatest historic case study for football not existing at all. Look at Luke Kuechly, crying and disoriented after sustaining a potentially lethal concussion? Dour prickface Jerry Richardson is raking in paper sending these poor guys out there to get killed. I am not exactly thrilled to watch it happen all over again. On the lighter side of failure, I don’t have the exact numbers on me but I’m quite sure this is the only team that Roberto Aguayo made a field goal against. They also cut Bene’ Benwikere after Julio Jones racked up 3.
Good job letting Josh Norman walk. You fucking morons. The season- long fiasco resulted in the firing of GM Dave Gettleman, who then had his ass set on fire by every Panther he ever shoved out the door: Popular guy! Your coach: Glorified Best Buy manager Ron Rivera.
Remember when he benched Cam for not wearing a tie? WHAT BOLDNESS. It takes real guts to submarine an entire game by trotting Derek Anderson out there because you know the owner will make frowny faces at any player rocking a fucking turtleneck. Your quarterback: Cam Newton. The Full The Mummy (Tom Cruise) (2017) Movie. At this point, I have no choice but to believe the Panthers are actively trying to kill their own quarterback. How else to explain leaving him in the game after shots like this, and with a shoulder that would later need offseason surgery? Or paying Matt Kalil—MATT FUCKING KALIL—$2. Do you know how insane that signing is?
I’m not just saying that because I’m a bitter Vikings fan and watched Kalil play toll booth attendant to every defensive end in the league for the past four seasons. No no, the rest of league was also well aware of Kalil’s physical and mental fragility, and the Panthers still opened the vault for him anyway. Cam should retire and spend the rest of his days wearing paisley romp- hims at Coachella. By the way, Cam still has no idea how to hold a press conference without looking like someone stole his lunch out of the office fridge.
And I’d still like an explanation for this shit? What poor assistant does he force to pound out Instagram captions in fucking wingdings? Only Prince was allowed to do this kind of shit. That 1. 5- 1 season? That was Cam’s one shot. He’s 8- 8 from here on out. What’s new that sucks: Everything new about this team is old.
They brought back Julius Peppers for a farewell tour and, in a completely bonkers move, decided to replace Gettleman with former GM Marty Hurney. The whole reason they hired Gettleman was to get them out of the cap hell that Hurney put them in to begin with! What in the teal fuck is going on here? Hurney’s re- emergence coincides nicely with the Panthers’ resurrected belief that they can protect Cam and win more games simply by employing 7,0.
They drafted Christian Mc. Caffrey and—well now, this will STUN YOU—but his jersey is already listed at the top of the Top Sellers category on the team’s NFL Shop page. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED? These fucking fans.
By Week 1. 0, they’ll want him starting at quarterback. As someone who bore witness to Toby Gerhart’s pro career, you’ll excuse me if I’m not a big believer in white running backs from Stanford who get a token invite to the Heisman ceremony. There’s also something hilarious about this team drafting a multipurpose back and then entrusting him to Mike Shula. That’s like handing a Porsche to a dog. The next time a Panthers wideout or back goes in motion will the first time.
Poor Lil’ Caff is gonna get sent out into the flat 4. Really gives the safety a nice target to launch at, you know? Kony Ealy is a Patriot.
Kelvin Benjamin is fat now. What has always sucked: There’s a certain cruelty in the fact that Charlotte is both North Carolina’s largest city and also, by far, the boringest town in that state.
Asheville is Austin with a more reasonable climate. Wilmington is gorgeous. The Research Triangle is a fucking blast. Charlotte is a bank branch someone made into a whole city, presided over by Richardson and his anodyne football team. As long as Newton remains the centerpiece of the Panthers, he will be emblematic of the culture war raging inside this state. He is a cool and wondrous player who is, virtually every waking moment, subjected to beatings both physical and verbal, from opponents and from the deranged yokel factions of this fanbase that demand Cam Newton be anyone other than Cam Newton.
It will always be this way. Every goddamn year, I’m gonna have to hear about how Cam has to change his style of play, or why Cam can’t take winning in stride, or why Cam shouldn’t have worn those seersucker shorts to the podium. There will always be a section of this fanbase that roots for Cam reluctantly, like they’re biting their tongues at the Thanksgiving dinner table. And all that all subdued hostility stems directly from Richardson, a sullen pig who made his money fattening up Americans and strong- arming anyone who asked him to pay them fairly.
I’ll never get over this old story he told, with gushing pride, to Charlie Rose: Richardson, who said that Newton “was dressed perfectly” for their meeting, was blunt. I don’t have any.’ I said, .
I don’t have any.’ I said, . Everything good about this team will be at his mercy until he finally drops dead, just as all the cool things about North Carolina are at the constant mercy of dipshit rednecks that hate queers in the shitter and blacks at quarterback. This is just all so EXHAUSTING. Maybe the Panthers should take some time off and come back after Richardson is gone and his statue has been melted down to scrap metal and the team has moved. Also, the wideouts are still puke. Did you know? Rae Carruth is due to get out of prison next year. Given this team’s penchant for retreads, they’ll probably bring him on as wideout coach.
What might not suck: Cam could be lanced by an oncoming horseman and still be good for at least one rushing TD a game. Really the only way to keep NFL QBs healthy is to clone 3. Cams. HEAR IT FROM PANTHERS FANS! Miles: Fuck Jerry Richardson with a thickburger. Basically because he was too Belichickian with the players. Because who wants to emulate the most successful coach in football history, right? We have yet to have back- to- back winning seasons.
Thank God he’s gone now. Fucking La. Var Ball played for this team. Fuck Sir Purr. John: They let Steve Smith walk, sign RB’s like they’re going to resurrect the Oklahoma wishbone, then send out Cam Newton again with zero offensive help and expect him to put the rest of the offensive unit on his shoulders, only to watch him get his skull beat in while Roger Goddell smugly smiles in watching the destruction of another black quarterback. What do they do to improve the situation? What did the general manager do to get unceremoniously shit- canned? Only be the architect of the most successful four years in franchise history.
A 4. 0- 2. 3- 1 overall record, three consecutive division titles, four playoff wins, a NFC championship title and a Super Bowl appearance. Panthers owner Jerry Richardson fired him for being too mean to players when making the correct football decisions he was hired to make.